INCOGNITA

It started as a game. One of Susan’s co-workers brought in a children’s book that had a formula for changing your name based on the third letter of your first name, the second letter of your last name, etc. So everyone in the office assumed fictional names for the day. Susan’s worked out to be Snotty Pitsniffer.

She found it a little disturbing to hear herself referred to as Snotty all day long, but she did enjoy calling her manager Poopsie Wigglebottom.

That night, when she returned home to her somewhat sterile apartment with only her tropical fish to greet her, she was a little depressed that she was back to being plain old Susan Smythe. She wondered if her life would have turned out differently were her name more exciting.

What if her parents had named her Vanessa instead of Susan? Her friends would call her Nessie or Ness. No one ever called Susan anything but Susan. Not Susie, or Sue. Not that Sue would have been that much more exciting, but Susie was a perky little name.

As she sat in front of the TV, munching on popcorn, she realized that all the characters had names of at least three syllables. There were Alyssas and Monicas and Veronicas. Dharma was only two syllables, but it was so obviously exotic. And Grace, of Will and Grace, was only one syllable, but with a name that is an adjective, how could you go wrong? People complimented you every time they said your name.

Susan walked over to her closet to stare critically at the contents. All her clothes looked as if they would be worn by a Susan Smythe. They were boring and much too conservative. She finally found a pair of blue velvet bell-bottoms she’d worn to a sixties party one year, and put those on. They were not Susan pants at all. She looked for something to go with them, and finally found the top of a two piece bathing suit that would pass as a halter top. Susan never exposed her midriff.

Standing in front of the mirror, she tried to match a name to her new look. Jasmine, Barbie, Shelly, Cindy…She ran through names in her mind but none of them sounded quite right.

She grabbed her purse and headed to a local café. It wasn’t a club exactly, but they did have live music at night and you had to be over twenty-one to get in. She sat at the bar listening to the music, sipping a Cosmopolitan. She’d never had one before, and panicked when the bartender asked her how she’d like it. She finally said, “Straight up,” although she had no idea what that meant.

A man sat down next to her and smiled. Susan smiled back, although typically she would have avoided making eye contact with him. Not because he wasn’t cute, he was, but just because she always avoided making eye contact with men. She didn’t want to encourage them to try and pick her up.

“Good band,” he said.

“It is,” Susan agreed.

“My name is Jeff,” he said.

“It’s nice to meet you, Jeff.”

“May I ask your name?” Jeff asked, when she didn’t offer it on her own.

“Guess,” Susan replied, with a flirtatious smile.

“Let’s see. Who do you look like?” He used it as an excuse to look her up and down, his eyes resting a little too long on her midriff. “Vicky?” he offered. Susan shook her head no. “Kimberly?”

She shook her head no again, although she said, “Warmer.”

“What sounds like Kimberly?” he asked, and shrugged his shoulders. “I give up, you’re just going to have to tell me.”

“You know what I think, Jeff? I think we have some sort of bond between us. I noticed it the minute you walked in the room,” Susan said.

“You did?”

“Uh-huh.” She took a sip of her drink and licked her lips. Jeff’s eyes followed the movement and Susan felt giddy with excitement. “I think that if you try really hard, you can guess my name. I think if you close your eyes, and concentrate, this mysterious bond between us will give you a clue.”

Jeff smiled. “Okay, I’ll try one more time. But if I can’t guess, do you promise to tell me?”

“I promise.”

Jeff closed his eyes, and Susan whispered, “Now think, Jeff, what is the name of the girl you’ve been looking for your whole life? What name embodies femininity, and beauty, and strength of character?”

There was a moment of silence, and then Jeff said, “Susan.”

When she didn’t respond, Jeff opened his eyes and asked, “Well?”

Susan said, “No, that’s not it.”